Welcome to Dwell on These Things, a podcast by Dwell Community Church in Columbus, Ohio, where we hear stories and examples of how God is moving in the church at Dwell and around the world. Welcome to Dwell on These Things. I'm Mateo Williamson, and I'm here with Abbey Merker. Welcome Abbey. Hi. Abbey is a pastoral counselor and teacher on staff here at Dwell, and for the past few been generating some very thoughtful and thought-provoking class content that we're excited to share with you today. So this spring, you taught a class titled The Theology of Singleness. What motivated you to develop this class? Sure. You know, I think that people periodically over the last few years, you know, would sort of ask, like, do we have anything along these lines? Like, do we have, is there a class about singleness, blah, blah, blah. And there was no answer. And there was a class, I don't know, maybe five years ago, Marriage for Singles or something like that, which I always thought was kind of funny, like, well, could we get a class like Single for Singles, you know what I mean, like, you know, so it's like, you know, enough people start asking questions and sort of pushing for this, and, you know, the conversation just keep coming up. So it was like, okay, yeah, maybe that would be helpful. And I feel like when Rebecca McLaughlin was here, like, what, two years ago, maybe, she made some comments about singleness and, you know, like, just sort of, I think, generated some buzz, some conversation about creating more of a space and a vision for singleness that, you know, the only vision for being a, you know, diligent Christian worker isn't marriage. Yeah. So anyway, I think people just sort of kept talking about it, and it was like, okay, yeah, maybe we should, could put something together. Sort of grew from there. Yeah. So it kind of arose organically as conversations are happening, as speakers are coming and teaching on the subject, whether directly or indirectly. So what resources did you look at? What, you know, what materials did you pour over, kind of what drove some of the material that you put in the class? Sure. I think the source that I, there is some, there's, you know, books and conversations about this. I think the source that I found sort of most practical, accessible is by Sam Albury. It's pretty, I don't know. I think it came out in the last maybe five years. It's called Seven Myths of Singleness, I think. You know, and he's in his 40s, very diligent, intelligent Christian guy and unmarried, has never married and, you know, sort of always thought he would get married and sort of hoped to get married. And it was like, man, you know, now he's in his late 40s and he's like, I just, it seems like maybe this isn't in the cards for me and, you know. So he wrote a book about it and it's very practical. That would be, I found that to be sort of the most helpful resource. And there's some other texts. Danny Trawick, she's Australian. She wrote a book called The Meaning of Singleness, maybe, and it reads like a textbook. But she emphasized a lot of church history and exegetes, I suppose, like a lot of biblical text. It's helpful, but it's dry. A little bit more academic. It is. Yeah. It's way more academic. And then, you know, it turns out there's quite a lot of biblical texts that you can sort of look at that speaks to this specifically and is really helpful. So. Yeah. I found it interesting that you titled it Theology of Singleness. And so you're, on the one hand, balancing addressing practical pastoral application for people, you know, their everyday lives, while also trying to develop from the scriptures a better understanding of what God speaks to in this area. So, you know, talk us through that, like as you're preparing this class, it's a theology of singleness. You know, what are some of the core scriptures that help us understand the Bible's view of the subject? Yeah. You know, it's like opening pages, right, of Genesis. I think we see, okay, men and women intentionally created. And in chapter two, you know, there's this commentary that, well, it's not good for man to be alone. And so I think that, you know, and then sort of immediately following that is like, oh, Adam and Eve, and he's, you know, they're sort of the first marriage, right? Like, okay, God partners them up. And so you're like, oh, it's not good for man to be alone. So the provision is marriage. And I think that that, honestly, is probably the assumption rolling around in a lot of Christian minds. But I think that that is too simplistic. I don't think that that's... Okay, so we can affirm, yeah, it's not good for man to be alone. You know, like, we are created to be in relationships and not be isolated, not fly solo, totally. And there is a provision of marriage, clearly. And yeah, that's not the only provision for our aloneness. Okay, so case in point is Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, never married. You know what I mean? And so it's like, okay, you cannot maintain that marriage, you know, is mandated or marriage is necessary for human flourishing or something like that, because it's like, hello, here's Jesus and he never married. He's God. He is, you know, he is the perfect human being. He is complete, right? Okay, so, you know, immediately it's like, well, hold on, maybe I need to sort of rethink then my views of marriage, my views of singleness, etc., etc., given this example. And obviously there are other examples of faithful believers in Scripture that, as far as we know, were unmarried. And sort of the most tangible New Testament text is sort of the, you know, what I don't know is referred to as sort of the Pauline passage from 1 Corinthians 7. You know, where Paul is addressing marriage and singleness, and, you know, he makes these comments about like, I wish that everybody was like I was, i.e. single, and he's like, you know, but some people have one gift and some people have another. Some people are gifted in singleness and some people have the gift of marriage. So, it's like, okay, if that's the case, what is he saying? What does that mean? Okay, so, if marriage is a gift, what's the point of the gifts of the Spirit? Why does God give us gifts, okay, to, you know, we would maintain that it's to build up the church, right? To have something to offer, it's, you know, a role to play. Okay, so it's not that he's like, he affirms singleness is good, right? As far as we know, he was single, and that it could be understood as a gift to build up other people. It's not that one is more spiritual than the other, right? Like, well, it's more spiritual to be single, or vice versa. It's not that one is easier than another, but what that passage makes clear is that while one is sort of simpler, you know, he's like the single person, their mind is freed up to consider the things of God in, you know, a simpler way than a married person who's like, man, you gotta think about your family, you gotta think about your spouse, and, you know, you have responsibilities that the single person simply doesn't have. So there's a simplicity to living as a single, and an ability to sort of serve God, and sometimes in a better way as a single. And that might be the case for some people. Like, man, it might actually be better for you. You could bring more to the table. You can do more for the Lord and serve your community better not marrying, which is, I don't... It's kind of a hard pill to swallow. You know, like, I think that that, I don't know, can be an offensive concept to some people, and it's like, but man, like, you know, it's right there. You know, 1 Corinthians 7 is fairly clear. Now, that's not to say that marriage... Obviously we would affirm that marriage is a good thing. Marriage is also a gift, right? Totally, but it's not the ultimate thing. It's this... I think that Rebecca McLaughlin, she refers to marriage as a prototype of the ultimate union between Jesus and His people, right? Between Christ and the church, and this is the language that we see in Ephesians 5, right? Where he's like talking about, like, is marriage a mystery, and what does it all mean? And he's like, yeah, it is, but ultimately what it points to is that the mystery is that it's all about Jesus and His union with His people, that that is His bride, right? And again, we see this sort of echoed at the very end of the story, right? In the end of Revelation 20, 21, 22, right? That the Lamb, there's the marriage of the Lamb, Jesus, and the bride, His church. So that's what it's all pointing to. And so human marriage, right? Like between people here, men and women, ah, it's sort of this prototype. It's pointing to that ultimate marriage that's coming. So it's a good thing? Yeah. It's a gift? Yeah. But it's not the ultimate thing, which again is why Jesus affirms, like, man, in the end, though, when we reach eternity, human marriage will be obsolete. There won't be anybody else getting married because it will be culminated, right? Like everything that it's been pointing to will become reality when we live in the union that we are created for with Jesus. So marriage is good, but it's not ultimate. It's a gift totally, but it's possible to live singly, and that's also good and also is a gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those are great points. Okay. So what are some of the views on singleness that you see or hear in the church and in the culture at large that you felt like needed to be addressed in this class? Yeah. I think within the church, the Western church, probably even our church, it's just assumed you're going to get married. Because most people do, I mean, statistically, that is still true, especially within evangelical churches. It's a base assumption that people kind of bring. Yeah. And the numbers are kind of different, larger, you know, American culture, it's 50-50 adults who are married versus single, but within evangelical churches, it's more like 70% of people are married, and that is a statistic that is absolutely aligned with inside Dwell as well. 70% of adults that, you know, here in Dwell are also married. So people just assume like you're going to get married. There's... Let's call it an over-representation, frankly, you know what I mean? Of course there's assumptions that you're going to get married, because that's what grown-ups do here in the church. And so I think sort of behind that, sometimes you hear this, and maybe you've heard this, I don't know, but I've heard people say, you know, something along the lines of like, well, marriage is a gift. It is the closest that we come in this life to understanding God's love. Which I'm like, I... Thank you. Yes, marriage is great, obviously. That can... That's not helpful. Like, that cannot be true, because... So like everyone that's unmarried is just like, well, you'll never experience God's love like I will because I'm married. You know what I mean? Like, that cannot... First of all, that's not biblical, and it's not helpful. But it, again, it sort of perpetuates this expectation of like, oh my, I'm missing out. You know, like, I'm incomplete if I'm not married. And so then it's like, well, how do I interpret that? Well, I'm not spiritual enough. God is trying to teach me, I got to like learn this lesson, I got to figure out, like, God is... He'll give me a spouse if I could just become spiritual enough or figure... Whatever. Tricky. Tricky, again. It's not that freaking black and white. Yeah, of course. There's a sense in which we very clearly are affirming the value and importance of marriage while also affirming singleness, and that the two are not mutually exclusive. It's possible to make comments that can kind of drive wedges in both directions. And well-meaning, but kind of thoughtless. You know, it's like, I don't think you've thought this through. And then obviously, like, outside of the church, like just in Western culture, I think that there's more of a range of interpretations, I guess, of singleness, where it's like on the one hand, singleness is freedom, singleness is great, so are your wild oats, you know what I mean? Like, you can do whatever you want. And then there's this position where it's like, yeah, sort of similarly, like singleness is sad. Like, there's probably something wrong with you. Like, you just need to find someone. And then I think there's a more specific position, like, it's not singleness that's the problem. It's the lack of sex. You can't possibly be expected to, like, live your life without having sex as, you know, that's such a vital part of who you are, et cetera, et cetera. You can't live that way. That's torture. And then I think a sort of more contemporary, like, just in the last, I don't know, maybe decade or so, is this perspective that singleness, in fact, could be dangerous. And so, you know, if you've heard of, like, incel culture, you know, like, this involuntary celibacy is bad for you, and it's bad for men in particular, and it leads them to do bad, aggressive, dangerous, you know, like. But again, it's like you said, it's driven by views on sexuality, on what it means to be a person. Totally. When those things are interconnected, you start to draw some of these conclusions. Totally. Yeah. So yeah, those are some of the perspectives, I think, in our culture. So when you hear people talking about, let's say, their own singleness or the singleness of others, you mentioned one earlier, but are there other either well-meaning, well-intentioned, or just honest statements that people make that you feel like, I don't know, that people have really thought through some of the conclusions or implications of what you're saying? Yeah. I mean, you know, it's not like these are, there's nuance, obviously, but, you know, I think even things like, oh, you'll find someone, you know, you just got to be patient. One day. Yeah. You know, and it's like, maybe. Maybe you will. Again, statistically, the likelihood of getting married is good, but not always. You know what I mean? Like, or do you have the freedom to consider, like, maybe you shouldn't, you know. Maybe you have no business being married. Have you thought about that? And, you know, maybe, you know, people, I think, have the freedom to be like, well, have you thought about, have you thought about just putting yourself out there more, or have you thought about changing your hair, or, you know what I mean, like, which, again, like, you have the freedom to do that, like, yeah. Do you need a makeover? Do you need to hit the gym, like. Brush your teeth. Yeah, like, do you need to be more social, go out in public, you know, like, sure, maybe you have the freedom to consider that, but again, it's just sort of like, I think sometimes single people feel like they get those types of questions and comments a lot, like, maybe you just need to change, you know, and it's like, maybe you do, or maybe you don't, you know what I mean, like, maybe singleness is your thing. I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, as you're saying that, I'm thinking about, as a single, what are some of the thoughts, so there's obviously the external, there's messages, whether helpful or unhelpful, that people are sharing. What are some of the more internal dialogues that happen that you feel like are potentially unhelpful? That the single person sort of rolls through? Yeah. Yeah. I, I think probably it's like, there must be something wrong with me. And it's one thing to, you know, be 20 years old, and to be single, and I don't know, the world's kind of still your oyster, you know, that's well below average marrying age inside and outside the church, and that's one kind of singleness. But it's sort of another thing to hit your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, and not partner up, and you know, so yeah, that question of like, is it me? It's confusing. How do I interpret this? Am I doing something wrong? Is this just like a bad timing thing? So I think that that confusion can be kind of confusing. No, that makes sense. There's like a, there's different types of singleness you're pointing to, even as you're, as you're listening to this, or even taking your class, it can be a base assumption. I'm thinking about one kind of singleness. You gave the example of a 20-year-old who is still single, and is, you know, looking for a romantic partner, and they're struggling with, you know, what is wrong with me, or whatever, just considering their own singleness. Then you have people like, people who've never been married. Later in life, you have people who've gone through divorces, you have widows, you have many different age groups and circumstances where people find themselves single, and so yeah, there's a lot of different application of these scriptures and considerations, maybe, that I think we often make singleness kind of a monolith, that there's just one kind of single person. In reality, there's many of them in the church. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you know, again, I think that, I don't know, the longer that you're single, or yeah, maybe it's like you find yourself in the single again camp, where it's like, maybe you lose a spouse to death or divorce. And so there can be a very real pain that goes with it. And so maybe it's just like, I never married, and there's sort of the pain, and let's call it grief, of like, I had this, these assumptions, these plans, this vision for how my life was going to go. And again, like, marriage is good, and having a family is good. It's not like, oh, you're unspiritual because you want to get married, no. Those are good things. And yet, yeah, they're not in the cards for everybody. And so I think grappling with like, man, that hurts, this is really painful, and to sort of grieve like, yeah, maybe I'm not gonna get this thing, or maybe I've lost this thing that I wanted that was good at one point, et cetera, et cetera. So again, I think navigating that aspect of singleness, that's tough, man. So we've talked a little bit about the challenges of being single, talked a little bit about the opportunities, but I wondered if you had other considerations for both challenges and opportunities for those who are single. I think that the sex piece is, it looms large, you know, when people think about singleness. And, you know, if you can expand your mind to consider the possibility of like, never marrying, and realizing that that also means like, never having sex. You know, it's like, no, you know, like, don't, that's torture. Or that like, it's impossible. No one can do that. And that's sort of like what our culture tells us. Again, like, I think that that, look, is it hard? Sure. It's difficult, you know, like to wrap your head around that and to live a faithful biblical ethic of sexuality as a single person. It's difficult. It doesn't mean it's wrong. Is it suffering? I don't know. I would, you know, it's like, maybe we need a little more grit, you know, just because something is hard doesn't mean it's wrong. But it's like, okay, you got to sort of work through that and give that over to the Lord. But I think in terms of opportunities, yeah, it's like, okay, if this is a gift, how do I wrap my head around that? How is it a gift? How could it be better for me, what I can sort of bring to the table spiritually in my community, in the lives of the people around me? Yeah, as a single person, what does that mean? What does it free me up to do that maybe some of my peers can't? So for instance, you know, I'm 38 years old. The vast majority of my peers are married. And so there's some evenings where it's like, I feel kind of bummed, like, you know, everybody's tucking their kids in and hanging out with their spouses, et cetera, et cetera. And yet the other side of that is like, man, my evenings are way more free. I, you know, I can, I have just head space that some of my peers don't have where I can think about things. My schedule is more flexible. My evenings are my own, et cetera, et cetera. My finances are my own. There just literally are opportunities that some of my married peers don't have. Families are great. Having kids is great. It's reasonable to desire that. And yet if you find yourself in the never marrying camp, you know, man, it's a bummer to realize like, man, what if I never get to become a mom or a dad? That's really sad. Fair. And yet it's like, okay, become, you have a virtually unlimited opportunity to become a spiritual parent, right? To sort of like invest in people around you, to shepherd, to guide, to lead, to train people up, right? That's sort of the biblical perspective on parenting is that you train up your children and it's like, man, you can still do that. And maybe you don't, I don't know, share 50% of their DNA, but there's vast opportunities there to invest sort of broadly. And I think there's a freedom also in friendships where it's like the nature of marriage is that it is exclusive. And so it's going to, you know, limit some capacity for friendships. And yet that's not really the case with a single person where it's like I can have a very broad network with lots of variation in terms of, you know, friendships in my life. And so it's not good for man to be alone, totally agreed. And so if you're feeling real lonely, you know, if you're a single person and you're feeling real bummed and you're feeling real lonely and you're feeling real isolated, it's like it shouldn't be that way. In Christian community, who can you connect with? Where can you invest relationally? The solution to loneliness isn't marriage. It's way broader than that, which I think is really relieving, you know? Yeah. That's a great point. Yeah. So you had a bunch of people take this class, presumably people listening to this. What do you hope people do with the material? I mean, I think find contentment in whatever position you find yourself in, right? Like I don't know that that vision from Paul of like, I have learned the secret of contentment. And it's not marriage and it's not singleness. It's Jesus, right? And so that is something that I can pursue and I can grab hold of regardless of my marital status. If I'm assuming that I can't, I can't be complete, I can't have joy, purpose, whatever, unless I get married. I think that's potentially a dangerous position to hold. You know what I mean? So say you do get married someday, whoa, that's so much pressure to put on your spouse. You know what I mean? That like you are the source of my contentment and my happiness. You won't make a very good spouse if that's your position. But that we could learn contentment now, you know, like that I know that I'm going to be okay if I'm single for the rest of my life. That I've sort of weighed that out and I'm like, no, God is enough for me. But if he brings a partner into my life, like great, I'm open to that too. But I know that I'm going to be okay either way. Yeah, I wish that more people believe that. You hit on that a little bit in your last answer, the like the, after your point on the, you know, there might be, God might have this for me, have this for me, but I need to learn to be content and accept whatever the outcome is there. Learning to live in ambiguity. Yeah. I think that, I don't know, I think that it maybe is hardwired into humanity that we want things to be like black and white, right? It's this or it's that. So I'm married and I'm happy and I'm successful or I'm single and I'm a loser and a failure. Clearly. Exactly. Yeah. And that's it. We'll wrap up now. No, but learning to live in the ambiguity of like, okay, if you're single, I think part of what is especially confusing about singleness is like, there's always this potential. You could be, you could meet someone tomorrow, you know? Kind of your Disney moment. Exactly. Right? Like a real meet cute situation or not. Or it could be, yeah, the rest of your life. And you could be looking behind you in your mid fifties like, huh, so still single. And that can be really frustrating and it can lead us to do drastic and sort of insane things. Again, if it's like, I just, you know, I'm real fixated on getting partnered. So learning, yeah, to live in the ambiguity of like, I don't, I don't totally know. Like, yeah. Is the Lord going to bring someone into my life in my sixties or next week? I don't know. But if you're single, you can be assured it is a gift right now. It's a gift. And so it's like, I can desire marriage and I think that that's okay. You can't desire marriage. Totally. I desire marriage. And yet I can also acknowledge like, but I'm okay. Like my needs are met. Me and the Lord are cool. I've got a lot of joy in my life. Yeah. So that sort of like, it's both that kind of ambiguity. It takes, I don't know, some careful consideration, I think, to like get to that place where it's like, I know that I'm going to be okay either way. That's a great way to put it. Yeah. Thanks again, Abby, for joining us today. And I want to thank you, the listener, for joining our conversation. If you like what you heard and you want to learn more about the classes offered at Dwell Community Church, check out our website at dwellcc.org backslash classes. Every quarter we offer new classes taught by our very best teachers and leaders. If you want to hear other interesting stories, check out Dwell on These Things wherever you get your podcasts and make sure to subscribe. Thanks again for listening.